RAAZ 3 - Movie Review 2012

“RAAZ 3” is stupid but engaging!

It makes no sense most of the time, but still keeps you hooked despite its incoherence. However, only very few moments genuinely scare you. If only the concept was explained better and the sub plots tightly interwoven, it could’ve been a much better film.

The story revolves around Shanaya (Bipasha Basu), an actress at the height of her success. She’s offered the best roles and wins all the awards she’s nominated for. In addition, she also has a passionate affair with a director named Aditya (Emraan Hashmi). This all ends when a younger actress, Sanjana (Esha Gupta) makes her film debut. Suddenly, Shanaya seems forgotten and everybody only wants to work with Sanjana. Soon enough, Aditya also leaves Shanaya for Sanjana, and Shanaya sees her career fading away. She begins to turn to black magic and her only goal in life is to destroy Sanjana and get back the man she loves, Aditya.

As a story, the film showcases some of the lamest concepts, without really dwelling into the logic behind the same. This exactly is the biggest and the most common problem with most Indian Fantasy, Superhero and Horror films, they venture into the farthest end of the imaginative spectrum, without really laying the foundation in the minds of the audience. On comparison, you see a stark contrast in the similar genres depicted by Hollywood. They present the background cause and rationality in such an effective manner, that even the silliest of science fictions seem plausible. But here, ill-sketched characters turn up from nowhere and play some of the most significant parts. For instance, the film shows Bipasha being assisted by dark forces with the help of a spirit, that lives somewhere in an inhabited part of a city. There is no reason apparent for its existence (that too in a visible human form) and no cause for it to provide aid to Bipasha’s evil motives, but it still does. In its spirit form, it looks like a human structure formed out of the garbage in the municipal trash cans, infested by insects and worms, and surrounded by flies. Funniest part is that there is even a name given to this absurdly creepy spirit, “Tara Dutt”. There are so many other daft sequences, that after a time you resign to the standards served and simply stop taking them too seriously.

Despite all this, the film surely is a gripping drama. As was said earlier, you need to accept that there can be no logic or reason to whatever is happening and you simply need to sink into the mood of the film. There isn’t a dull moment ever, and with sudden brief bouts of shuddery instances, it’s an engrossing affair. The performances are competent, although there’s nothing serious that you can write about them.

All-in-all, it qualifies as a decent one time watch. Don’t go expecting anything more than that.

Rating: 2.5/5

10 Notable World Records and Events

by Bryan Johnson .

Guinness World Records is a reference book that contains a collection of world records. It is the best-selling copyrighted series of all time. It is also one of the most frequently stolen books from public libraries in the United States. Before there was Listverse and other popular websites that display historical facts, people turned to the Guinness Book of World Records for bizarre and interesting information. Currently, a man named Ashrita Furman holds the record for “the most Guinness World Records by a single individual.” There are thousands of notable records in the book. This article will examine ten unique cases.

10

Rod Stewart at Copacabana Beach

Record: The largest music concert in history.

Rod Stewart is a British singer who has sold over 100 million records. In the UK, Stewart has released 31 different songs that have entered the Top 10. He has six #1 singles and was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1994. On December 31, 1994, Rod Stewart performed at Copacabana Beach in Rio de Janeiro in front of an estimated 3.5 to 4.2 million people. The event became the largest free concert in recorded history. It was produced by MTV and performed on New Year’s Eve.

Copacabana Beach has always been a popular spot for huge concerts. In 2006, The Rolling Stones attracted a crowd of 1.5 million people to the beach. In 1994, Stewart was an international superstar and performed sold-out concerts on a regular basis, but the Copacabana event was different. It was one of the largest peaceful gatherings in history, which makes for a great party. The concert ranks around 25th for the largest gatherings. However, most entries on the list include religious sites.

Currently, the largest peaceful gathering in history occurred at the World Expo 2010 when 73 million people came together in Shanghai, China. Some other notable events include the largest anti-war rallies in history, which took place in London and Rome on February 15, 2003 in opposition to the U.S led invasion of Iraq. During the event, 3 million people lined the streets of London and 3 million in Rome. The largest peaceful gathering in the United States occurred in Boston when 3 million people attended a parade to celebrate the Red Sox’s victory on October 30, 2004.

9

Blaster

Record: The most valuable arcade machine.

Blaster is an arcade game that was developed by programmer Eugene Jarvis and released by Williams in 1983. It is a 3D shooter game set in outer space. The objective is to shoot enemies and avoid obstacles in order to reach paradise. At the time of its release, Blaster contained advanced graphics with scaled sprites to give the impression of three dimensional worlds and asteroid fields. The game is noted for being the most valuable of all arcade machines. It was made around the time of the 1983 video game crash, so only limited Blaster arcade machines were produced.

In total, only three sit down machines and a few Blaster Duramold cabinets were developed. The cabinets are black and have yellow graphics on the control panel and marquee. The game uses an optical joystick and has two buttons, fire and thrust. It has been estimated that the Duramold Blaster arcade machine is worth approximately $15,000. It is the rarest arcade game in the world unless you find a Polybius. Polybius is the name of a supposed arcade game and urban legend. According to the story, Polybius appeared in Portland, Oregon in the early 1980s and was a shooter game.

In 1981, Polybius became popular, but players soon complained of intense stress, horrific nightmares, amnesia, and even suicidal tendencies. It was also reported that mysterious men in black regularly visited the machine and collected some unknown data by testing responses to psychoactive stimuli. In 2011, a Polybius machine was allegedly found in a Newport, Oregon storage locker, but it soon vanished. The machine is recognized by its “name on the side of what looks like an old Pac-Man game.” If the existence of a Polybius is confirmed, it would become the most valuable arcade game in the world.

8

Víctor Manuel Gerena

Record: The most time on the FBI Most Wanted Fugitives list.

In 1950, the United States FBI officially released the first Ten Most Wanted list to target dangerous fugitives in America. By the summer of 2012, 497 fugitives have been listed with 466 (94%) being captured. Only eight women have been included and the person who has been on the list longer than anyone is Víctor Manuel Gerena, who was added in 1984. In 1958, Gerena was born in New York to a family from Puerto Rico. At a young age he moved to Hartford, Connecticut and was a good student. Gerena was a talented wrestler and served on the student council. After a short stint in college, Gerena became a security guard at a Wells Fargo armored car depot in West Hartford.

At some point, members of the Boricua Popular Army in Puerto Rico learned about Gerena’s history and job at the bank. The men flew to Hartford and recruited him into the Los Macheteros terrorist group. On September 12, 1983, Gerena handcuffed and tied up two of his co-workers and injected them with an unknown non-lethal substance to disable them. He then stole $7.1 million dollars and fled the country. The FBI believes that Gerena traveled to Cuba via Mexico City and has been hiding out in Havana. There is currently a $1 million dollar reward for information leading to the arrest of Victor Manuel Gerena. He has evaded capture for 28 years.

7

Glenn Burke

Record: The first MLB player to publicly acknowledge his homosexuality.

In 1952, Glenn Burke was born in Oakland, California. At the age of 18, he was voted Northern California’s High School Basketball Player of the Year, but soon turned his attention to baseball. He was drafted by the Dodgers and described as the next Willie Mays. Burke made his MLB professional debut for the Dodgers on April 9, 1976. He was openly gay with his teammates and management. During his time with the Dodgers, General Manager Al Campanis offered to pay for a lavish honeymoon if Burke agreed to get married. Burke refused to participate in the sham and responded with the question, “to a woman?”

Glenn Burke also befriended manager Tommy Lasorda estranged gay son, which didn’t sit well with management. In 1978, the Dodgers traded Burke to the Oakland Athletics for Billy North. When Burke arrived in Oakland, manager Billy Martin introduced him as a “faggot” in front of his teammates. After the 1979 season, Burke was cut by the A’s and never played in the MLB again. He is noted for being the first and only Major League Baseball player to have been out to his teammates and owners during his professional career.

Glenn Burke has also been recognized for inventing the high five. In 1977, Burke ran onto the field to congratulate his Los Angeles Dodgers teammate Dusty Baker (current Cincinnati Reds manager) by raising his hand over his head as Baker jogged home from third base. Not knowing what to do with the hand, Baker slapped it, thus inventing the high five. After retiring from baseball, Burke used the high five as a symbol of gay pride. In 1995, Glenn Burke died from AIDS-related causes. He is quoted: “They can’t ever say that a gay man can’t play in the majors, because I’m a gay man and I made it.”

6

David Hempleman-Adams

Record: The ultimate adventurer.

David Hempleman-Adams is a British adventurer that holds dozens of world records. He was the first person in history to reach the Geographic and Magnetic Poles without dogs, snow mobiles, or air supplies. In 1998, Hempleman-Adams became the first to climb the Adventurers Grand Slam, which included all the highest mountain peaks in seven continents. In total, he has made thirty different Arctic expeditions and reached the Poles 14 times.

Hempleman-Adams was the first person to fly a balloon over the North Pole. In 2003, he took an open wicker basket rozier balloon over the Atlantic Ocean. In 2004, Hempleman-Adams flew a single engine Cessna from Cape Columbia to Cape Horn, covering 11,060 miles (17,799 kilometers). In 2005, he staged the world’s highest formal dinner party with Bear Grylls. The men ascended to 24,262 feet (7,395 meters) in a hot air balloon and then climbed down to a dinner table suspended in the air 40 feet (12 meters) below the balloon. They ate asparagus, salmon, and summer fruits, before parachuting down to earth.

In 2007, Hempleman-Adams broke the altitude record for a small sized hot air balloon by ascending to 9,906 meters (32,500 feet) over Alberta, Canada. In 2005, his daughter (pictured with her father) became the youngest person to stand on the North Pole. In 2009, Hempleman-Adams broke the endurance record for the smallest man-carrying helium balloon. He has conducted numerous expeditions to Everest and raised millions of dollars for charity. Currently, David Hempleman-Adams holds a total of 47 different Fédération Aéronautique Internationale (FAI) World Records. The FAI is the governing body for air sport, aeronautic, and astronautic records.

5

Bellamy Salute

Record: The first U.S. pledge salute.

In 1891, a man named Francis Bellamy was hired by the Youth’s Companion, which was a children’s magazine that sold American flags to public schools. In 1892, the magazine sold flags to approximately 26,000 schools. Once the market was dried up, Youth’s Companion looked for another way to incorporate flags into schools. Francis Bellamy came up with the idea to use the 400th anniversary of Christopher Columbus reaching the Americas to bolster the movement. For the event, Bellamy wrote the Pledge of Allegiance and designed a flag salute for the children.

The Pledge was first published in the September 8, 1892, issue of Youth’s Companion. It read: “I pledge allegiance to my flag and to the Republic, for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty, and justice for all.” To accompany the Pledge, the children used the Bellamy salute and stood in attention to the flag. The Bellamy salute involved stretching the arm out towards the flag in a manner that resembled the later Nazi salute. In the 1920s, Italian fascists adopted the salute to symbolize their devotion to ancient Rome. It was then copied by the Nazis. During World War II, the similarity between the Bellamy salute and the Nazi salute caused confusion and controversy.

In one famous case, aviation pioneer Charles Lindbergh was photographed using the Bellamy salute, which was mistook for the Nazi salute. In order to prevent controversy, the United States Congress adopted the hand-over-the-heart gesture on December 22, 1942. Many people are still unclear why it took so long for the U.S. to ban the Bellamy (Nazi) salute. Five days before the ban, the British House of Commons learned about the mass executions of Jews by the Nazis. At this time, the U.S. declared that those crimes would be avenged. In 1954, the Pledge of Allegiance was changed to include the words “under God,” which has since caused legal issues between the separation of church and state.

4

Mobile Bay Jubilee

Record: The only seafood jubilee that occurs annually.

Jubilee is a natural phenomenon that occurs sporadically in Mobile Bay on Alabama’s Gulf Coast. During the event, many species of crab, shrimp, flounder, eels, and other fish will leave deeper waters and gather in shallower coastal areas. The jubilee is well known to local residents in Alabama, who have gathered for decades to collect free seafood. The phenomenon is unpredictable and occurs because of the unique wind direction, surface temperature, salinity, and tidal variation of the area.

A collection of studies have been carried out in the bay and it has been determined that the creatures swim to the shore because of low-oxygenated water. In addition to the large amount of animals present during a jubilee, harvesting them is made easier because of the oxygen deprivation. The animal’s behavior has been described as “depressed and unnatural.”

Once a jubilee begins, word quickly spreads and hundreds of local residents flock to the water. The food is communal and there is usually more than enough for everyone. The amount of available seafood has declined in the last couple years since the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, which is not fully contained and continues to leak into the ocean. In the early 2000s, the food was so abundant in Mobile Bay that people would take home hundreds of flounder and crab. The seafood jubilees are most common on the upper eastern shore of the bay from June to September. They always occur when the wind is blowing from an eastern direction with an incoming tide.

3

Joseph Samuel

Record: The first man to survive three execution attempts.

In 1780, Joseph Samuel was born in England. At the age of 15 he was arrested for stealing and sentenced to the penal settlement of Sydney Cove, Australia, at the age of 21. Samuel then escaped from the prison and was implicated in the murder of a wealthy woman. He was sentenced to death by hanging. In 1803, Joseph Samuel and another man were driven to Parramatta where hundreds of people gathered to watch their execution. In the event, nooses were fastened securely around the men’s necks from the gallows and a cart was driven from their feet. It was not until the end of the 19th century that the British used the drop method, which breaks the neck.

In the execution, the ropes were made of five cords of hemp, which enabled one to hold 1,000 lb (450 kg) for up to five minutes without breaking. After Samuel was dropped by the executioner, the rope snapped and he fell to his feet. The other man was slowly killed, so the executioner tied a different rope around Samuel and tried again. This time the noose slipped off his neck and Samuel’s boots were able to touch the ground. The executioner was sure to have fastened the noose, but it didn’t work. At this point the crowd was getting angry and they called for Samuel to be freed.

The executioner decided to try one more time and tied the noose around Samuel’s neck and drove the cart away. Once again, the rope snapped and Samuel survived. The crowd turned into frenzy and began to demand Samuel’s release, so the governor was called to the scene. It was decided that the event was a sign from God, so Joseph Samuel was granted a full reprieve and released. It was the first time that a person had survived three execution attempts. In 1885, a man named John Babbacombe Lee survived three execution attempts. However, in his case, the trapdoor of the scaffold failed to open despite being tested, which is different from surviving three separate droppings like Joseph Samuel. The first person to survive an execution attempt in the electric chair was a 17 year-old boy named Willie Francis.

2

Remains of Yehohanan

son of Hagakol

Record: The only physical evidence for crucifixion.

Crucifixion is an ancient method of execution where the person was tied or nailed to a large wooden cross and left to hang until death. It was practiced among the Seleucids, Carthaginians, and Romans for approximately 1000 years. In 337, Emperor Constantine I abolished crucifixion in the Roman Empire out of respect for Jesus Christ, who is the most famous victim. Today, a crucifix, which displays Jesus Christ on the wooden cross, is a major religious symbol across the world. Crucifixion is well documented in historical manuscripts, but there is only one piece of physical evidence on the archaeological record.

Givat HaMivtar is a Jewish neighborhood in northern Jerusalem that is located on a huge round hill. Numerous excavations in the area have found important ancient Jewish tombs and war artifacts. The hill was a stronghold for centuries and the location of an important battle during the Six Day War in 1967. After many archaeological digs, one of the most famous tombs contained the remains of Yehohanan, the son of Hagakol, which showed evidence of crucifixion. Research discovered that one of Hagakol’s heel bones had a nail driven through it from the side. The tip of the nail was bent, which might have occurred because it hit a knot in the upright beam when hammered. After that, the nail could not be extracted from the foot.

At this time in history, most people that were crucified were left on the cross to decay, so it is rare to find remnants of the process. Yehohanan’s feet were nailed to the cross separately and his body showed evidence that he was probably executed at eye level. His legs were broken and a piece of acacia wood was placed on the nail to keep his foot from sliding over the nail. His wrists did not show proof of crucifixion, which has caused some to speculate whether he was actually executed in this manner. The discovery remains the only physical evidence for crucifixion.

1

Besse Cooper

Record: The oldest person in the world.

In 2011, Besse Cooper became the world’s oldest living person following the death of Maria Gomes Valentim. On August 26, 2012, Cooper turned 116 years old. She is the eighth verified person to reach the mark and the only verified living person born in 1896. There is nobody left from 1895. In total, it has been estimated that there are 300-450 people in the world living over the age of 110 (supercentenarians). However, only 70 of these individuals have been verified. Of the 70, there are 66 women and only 4 men.

Besse Cooper was born in Sullivan County, Tennessee, on August 26, 1896. She graduated from East Tennessee State Normal School in 1916 and worked as a schoolteacher. In 1963, Besse’s husband Luther died at the age of 68. She was married to Luther for 39 years and never remarried. When asked how she does it, Besse attributed her longevity to “minding her own business” and avoiding junk food. She is currently the 10th oldest person in recorded history. The oldest was a French woman named Jeanne Calment who lived to be of 122 years, 164 days. If Besse survives to be 118, she will be the third oldest person in history. In 2012, a bridge in Georgia was officially named Besse Brown Cooper Bridge.

10 Movie Characters who Should have Died when they had the Chance

We’ve recently looked at a few movie characters who probably shouldn’t have died for the sake of their own narrative integrity , which itself was inspired by the five movie sidekicks who deserved better than sudden death. In the comments to the 10 characters who shouldn’t have died thread, essential Eloquent superasente (he of the Zombie Jumping the Shark art) suggested an evil universe version of that list. Thus, the 10 Movie Characters Who Should Have Died When They Had The Chance was born.

However, there is one key difference between this list than the others. In this one, we’re taking each movies’ own verisimilitude to task. Their relationship to reality, if you will. In even in the most ridiculous cases, if any other character in the movie would have died in these situations, then all of the characters listed below should have perished, too. So it isn’t schadenfreude we’re going for here, or a list full of characters who deserved to die for being giant buttholes.  Instead, what we’ve got here is a list of characters who just could not have survived in the real world, no matter how high up their name is in the cast credits. Okay, fine. One is based on solely principle, but the rest are the real deal…

(Note: If you consider the opposite of outcomes in movies to be spoilers, then beware ofSPOILERS, I guess?)

Jar Jar Binks (Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, 1999, 2002, 2005)

Why They Should Have Died: Jar Jar Binks was an awful racist stereotype, a concoction solely for “comic relief” who made C-3P0 look suave in comparison. But also because while it’s one thing to believe that a future Jedi Master/Dark Lord of the Sith could luck into blowing up the bad guys’ starbase, it’s quite another to believe a bumbling fool who was exiled by his own people — for probably nearly causing the genocide of his own people in a “hilarious” accident — could single-handedly foil an entire army of droids that were programmed to do nothing but kill whatever their blasters happened to be aiming at.

It doesn’t matter which of three Star Wars prequels, either, as Jar Jar Binks shouldn’t have survived any of them, much less all of them. Lucas just lost his nerve after slaughtering Ewoks in Return of the Jedi. Also, there were toys and shit to sell.

Alan Grant (Jurassic Park III, 2001)

Why They Should Have Died: Alan Grant was the undisputed hero of the first Jurassic Park (all apologies to the T-Rex), so he rightfully got a chance to catch his breath and missed out on the “adventures” of the The Lost World. Sadly, his cool, calm, and collected nature left an indelible hole that apparently needed to be filled by a third film, much to his and the audience’s chagrin. For his part, everything is going pretty well for Grant in JP3, that is until the movie’s conclusion, when he’s surrounded by a clan of hungry, and apparently vengeful, velociraptor. Dr. Grant’s archenemy!

It’s a situation that not even grizzled game warden Robert Muldoon could survive, so there’s no way a weaponless paleontologist has any chance in dinosaur hell of making it out of that situation alive. Then again, Muldoon didn’t have any raptor eggs with which to trade the wild animals for his life. Which is exactly what would happen in real life, certainly. No, wait. The opposite. As much as I love Sam Neil as Alan Grant, no self-respecting raptor would turn down a free meal, whether they got their egg back or not. And, you know, being alive while they him really would have been a good death for a man who dedicated his life to proving just how badass that species of dinos were.

Tom Cruise’s Son, and by extension all of humanity (War of the Worlds, 2005)

Why They Should Have Died: Dude (Robbie, if you care to know) spends two-thirds of the movie in lock-step with his sister and estranged father, beating odds every which way but loose, and survivng alien ambush after alien ambush because he’s fictionally related to Tom Cruise, and nothing too bad can ever happen to Tom Cruise. But then, in the middle of the biggest fire fight between humans and Martians in the movie, this teenage haircut decides he to be a big man and runs off to join the army right in the heat of battle. And into a giant explosion that kills basically everyone else in the scene not named Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning.

For the remainder of the movie, Cruise and Fanning are on their own, rightly believing Justin Chatwin is probably dead, only to find him safely at his mom’s house when the Martians lose the interplanetary war to the common cold, that wily bastard. Typical Spielberg schmaltz. But not all of that is the director’s fault, because no matter which version of War of the Worldsyou’ve read or seen, humanity should lose every time. Every. Single. Time. The Martians are so technologically advanced that they have beams of light that incinerate human beings on contact, completely turning a former person to a current pile of dust in five seconds flat. Our nuclear devices don’t even hurt them and Jeff Goldblum doesn’t exist in this universe to create a comptuer virus that causes the alien ships to self-destruct. Basically, we’re all doomed. Doomed, I tells ya.

Henry “Indiana” Jones Jr. (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2008)

Why They Should Have Died: I didn’t say anything when he survived at least a two day underwater trek attached to a Nazi submarine. I didn’t say anything when he jumped out of an airplane with nothing but a plastic life raft, and then slid down a Himalayan mountainside. I didn’t say anything when he went over a cliff, while still half inside a Panzer tank, only to miraculously grab some rock or extended tree branch 20 feet from the spot he initially went over, and then climb back up as if nothing awesome just happened. And because of that silence, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg nuked the fridge.

If our beloved archeologist/adventurer had perished at the beginning of Crystal Skull, not only would we have been excused from the ridiculousness of that phrase (and director Spielberg’s pride in helping coin it), we would have been spared CGI Shia Lebeouf swinging from trees with his monkey pals, interdimensional ancient aliens, and the gradual loss of respect one felt for Cate Blanchett as her accent became more “Rocky & Bullwinkle” the longer the movie went on. It may have been the shortest film in the franchise, but it would have been much less painful to see Indy drop dead as he watched that mushroom cloud rise over his head than the final film we got. Plus, y’know, he’s like 500 feet away from that mushroom cloud and all he needs is a 1950s scrubdown? That wouldn’t even fly in an Ed Wood movie.

Sam Witwicky (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, 2009)

Why They Should Have Died: Speaking Shia Lebeouf ruining things… Ah, no, that isn’t fair. The Beef isn’t to be blamed for the travesty of the Transformers movie franchise, that fault mostly lies with Michael Bay’s hard on for jingoism and big ass ‘splosions. It’s also His Baynis’ fault that Sam Witwicky does actually die in Revenge of the Fallen, go up (down? I dunno) to robot heaven, talk with some robot angels (demons? I really didn’t understand that part), and then be resurrected in time to save the world, in spite having no discernible talents or skills, while more talented and better skilled people and robots die around him. Again.

We’re talking a movie filled with highly trained and highly advanced soldiers, some of whom are giant, nearly indestructible robots, and one goofy college kid who gets by solely on his grandfather’s past achievements is the hero? Those soldiers, humans and robot, die left and right in all three movies — some in terribly gruesome ways (there might not be any blood, but ask your toaster how she feels seeing Autobots get ripped in twain). Somehow Sam is immune every time he rushes headlong into a robot smackdown, and the one time they could have used a dose of reality? Robot Heaven. Fuck you in the ear, Michael Bay. (And yes, I know this image is from Dark of the Moon, but it was too hilarious not to use. You’re welcome.)

Chev Chelios (Crank, 2009)

Why They Should Have Died: Chev Chelios is probably Jason Statham’s most iconic “Jason Statham” role to-date, and that means Chelios is basically a super hero in the vein of Bruce Willis from Unbreakable. But 65% less dour. The fact that Chev is alive for most of the movie at all is reason enough to suspend disbelief for a couple hours, while he runs around town at less frames per second than an 8MM camera, looking for the jerk-offs who want him dead. It’s a fantastic one-off action movie that distills the genre’s essence far better than Clive Owen’s Shoot ‘Em Up.

But once he falls out of that plane, and the expression on his face implies his heart finally stopping and he’s at peace, Chev Chelios is dead. But even if he was still alive before he hit the ground, once he does, he’s dead. Not mostly dead, dead dead. That isn’t raspberry jam coming out of his eyes and ears, that’s what is left of his brain after it exploded upon impact after reaching terminal velocity. That’s “terminal” as in “he literally can’t go any faster” without breaking the laws of physics. Hell, Chelios should be unrecognizable as a human being, much less recognizable as Jason Statham, as soon as he splatters the pavement. But then there wouldn’t be a Crank 2: High Voltage, you say? And that’s a bad thing, why?

Sid, Dewey, and Gale (Scre4m, 2011)

Why They Should Have Died: The first three Scream movies do a pretty bang up job of showing throughout the course of their runtimes how the franchise’s three leads (Sidney Prescott, Dewey Riley, and Gale Weathers) continue making the final cut and barely missing the killers’ blade. No matter how many times you may want to root for their deaths, there’s always a pretty good reason why they’re still alive — usually due to each killers’ previously non-noteworthy stupidity in the final act wherein they spend more time telling Sid why they want to kill her than actually killing her. However, Scre4m (not Scream 4, because that would be ridiculous, right?) pretty clearly establishes that Emma Roberts’ serial murderer (confusingly named Jill Roberts) is in a class above those that came before her, even if her motives are even more laughable than those that came before her.

The movie sets up the denoument in such a fashion that it is not only believable that Jill is about to get away with murder, it’s also preferable. Of course, she doesn’t. Director Wes Craven and screenwriter Kevin Williamson walk back their own brilliance, allowing Sid, Dewey, Gale and generic storytelling another chance to live to fight another day in Scre5m. Which is a shame, because if they really wanted a new trilogy, one centering on the same killer, shifting to her perspective, and who is profoundly good at her chosen profession, would be much more interesting than anything Craven and Williamson can come up with next. Guaranteed.

Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II, 2011)

Why They Should Have Died: Admittedly, this is the hardest one to write about. I was so very glad that J.K. Rowling found a way not to kill off Harry Potter at the end of the series’ last book, Deathly Hallows, because I’d been dreading it ever since she first introduced the Prophecy. As I’ve mentioned before, killing characters off for lack of a better ending rubs me the wrong way, but in this instance it makes perfect sense. Especially considering these cryptic lines from said Prophecy: “[A]nd either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.” Obviously, Voldermort would never win, but that didn’t mean Harry had to live. In fact, for several books/movies, it almost seemed like Harry would have to die in order to save the world, and those he loved most.

And he should have. Because while it would have made for an incredibly down ending to the books and the movies, Harry’s death would have carried weight with it forever. Harry Potter’s sacrifice would have been felt and celebrated for the selflessly heroic act that it was in both the fictional land of Hogwarts and in our own world for many, many years. Harry would have been like so many heroes before him, and Rowling even forces Harry to make this choice, and he does so, bravely before she undercuts him by putting a big magical bandaid on the whole thing. Unlike Shia’s jaunt to robot heaven, Harry’s trip to the wizarding afterlife is a beautiful scene made all the more powerful that he was finally with the people he really loved and at peace. He would have been, like Buffy before she too was brought back from the dead, warm and happy forever.

Harry’s survival simply doesn’t sit right. He could never have a normal life, not even normal in wizarding world terms. That’s likely why the epilogue bothers so many people — it feels to easy and quaint for everything we’ve just read/seen. It simply doesn’t feel right to have Harry Potter being a happily married middle class man with kids who goes about his day not solving the world’s crises one Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, or He Who Shall Not Be Named, at a time. Harry Potter is a hero, and heroes die for the betterment of all. Or, they should, anyway.

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John Oates

5 Upcoming Shows You Should be Excited About

As we head into fall and winter and begin the transition from barbecues and long summer evenings outdoors, those who don’t get excited over endless hours of football need something else to look forward to. It’s either sex or television, and for the rest of you married folk, you know what that means. (Those who can’t do…watch?) But never fear, it ain’t all “Are You Smarter Than the Average Moron” or “The Bitchelorette;” there are some bright spots on the boob tube horizon. There are a few good women and men ready to take us beyond the bland, to pretend worlds where so we can escape whatever fate November will have brought.

5. “Masters of Sex” (Showtime). Based on Thomas Maier’s Masters of Sex: The Life and Times of William Masters and Virginia Johnson, The Couple Who Taught America How to Love, this show is Welsh actor Michael Sheen’s first “regular series role for television.” The series stars Sheen and Lizzy Caplan as famed sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson.

Co-starring Margo “Mags” Martingdale, Beau Bridges and Teddy Sears, the show will “chronicle the lives and unique relationship between Masters and Johnson;” the two began their investigation into human sexuality together, and ended up in bed. Premieres early 2013.

4. “Low Winter Sun” (AMC). Chris Mundy’s (“Criminal Minds, Cold Case”) remake of the British series, sinks us into the dark world of corrupt cop Frank Agnew—played by the original series star, Mark Strong—who murders a fellow police officer.

Directed by Ernest R. Dickerson (“The Wire, Treme, Dexter, The Walking Dead”) and with a great cast: David Costabile (“Suits, Breaking Bad, Damages, The Wire”), Lennie James (Line of Duty, Hung, Human Target, The Prisoner”), Sprague Grayden (“24, Sons of Anarchy, Jericho, Weeds”), James Ransone (“Treme, Generation Kill, The Wire”), Michael McGrady (“Southland, The Riches”), the show follows Agnew’s descent after his seemingly clean getaway. The murder triggers a chain of events that draw him into the criminal underworld he had fought to take down. Expected to air early to mid 2013.

3. “The Following” (Fox). From Kevin Williamson (“The Vampire Diaries, Dawson’s Creek”); Kevin Bacon stars as an FBI profiler who returns to field duty to track an escaped serial killer (James Purefoy).

Joe Carroll isn’t satisfied with just breaking out of jail though, he recruits and trains more killers and sends them out to do his bidding; Bacon tries to catch up. Comic-Con reviews were all positive. Also stars Annie Parisse, Maggie Grace and Natalie Zea. Premieres Midseason 2013.

2. “The Americans” (FX). Joseph Weisberg (“Damages, Falling Skies”) and Graham Yost (“Justified”) take us into the lives of a pair of undercover Soviet spies—Phillip and Elizabeth Jennings (Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell)—posing as an American married couple who just happen to live next door to an FBI agent (Noah Emmerich).

Set during the Reagan era, complications arise when the arranged pair develop feelings for each other, and Phillip starts to actually like his new home country—even as they operate a network of informants who send information back to Mother Russia. The pilot was directed by Gavin O’Connor (Warrior, Pride and Glory), and this thirteen episode series begins sometime in October 2012.

1. “Hannibal” (NBC). Bryan Fuller’s (“Wonderfalls, Dead Like Me, Pushing Daisies, Heroes, Mockingbird Lane”) television adaptation stars Hugh Dancy as Special Agent Will Graham, Mads Mikkelsen as Dr. Hannibal Lecter and Lawrence Fishburne as Agent Jack Crawford.

The series is set before Lecter was jailed and will focus on the relationship between Graham and the good doctor. Fuller envisions a seven season story arc, with the third season delving into Thomas Harris’ Red Dragon territory. The modern update also has two characters—Dr. Alan Bloom and journalist Freddy Lounds—with their genders changed; they’ll be portrayed by Caroline Dhavernas (“Wonderfalls”) and Lara Jean Chorostecki (“Copper, Camelot”), respectively. NBC has “Hannibal” listed on its schedule as Midseason 2012/2013.

10 Most Anticipated Movies of 2013

In a world of 24-hour news cycles, where 90 percent of cable news airtime is devoted to a presidential election a year and a half away, and where marketing flacks start hyping their studio’s films before casting has even finished, I thought we’d go ahead and get a jump on the slate of movies scheduled for the year after the presidential election. Yes, it’s two years away, but if 2012 is indeed the end of the planet, I’d hate to imagine that these ten tiny films aren’t afforded enough online print. It’s never too early to get excited about movies that haven’t even begun filming, is it?

Let the hype rain down, and if we can get this train rolling, maybe we can hit the backlash point by the mid-point of 2012, so once they are finally released, we’ve turned the corner to the backlash’s backlash.

Iron Man 3: After the relatively benign Thor and the upcoming Captain America, Joss Whedon’s The Avengers will compete with The Dark Knight Risesand Superman: Man of Steel in 2012. Next summer may be the year that superhero fatigue fully sets in (if it hasn’t already) and Marvel will have to follow-up an all-star superhero movie in 2013 with the franchise responsible for Marvel’s good fortunes. Will it atone for the lackluster Iron Man 2? Maybe. The bad news is that Jon Favreau won’t be returning as director, but the good news is that Shane Black (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) will, and Robert Downey, Jr. is still a commanding presence. The hitch arises if Black has to weave an Iron Man plotline into a potential Avengerssequel. All due respect to The Avengers, but we go to an Iron Man movie to see a movie about Iron Man. Not Nick Fury.

R.I.P.D.: Hopefully by the time 2013 rolls around, Ryan Reynolds’ post-Green Lantern reputation will have rebounded on the hopeful strength of Change Upand next year’s Safe House with Denzell Washington (and here’s hoping 2013 doesn’t also see a Green Lantern sequel). R.I.P.D, based on the Peter M. Lenkov graphic novel, is about a recently slain cop (Reynolds) who joins a team of undead police officers working for the Rest in Peace Department and tries to find the man who murdered him. It’s been bouncing around in development for a few years, but Reynolds has seemingly been enthusiastic about getting it in before a possible Deadpool film. The good news is that Jeff Bridges is on board (in a role Zach Galifianaki declined) and director Robert Schwentke showed a little pizzazz in Red, though his Time Traveler’s Wife was pure crap.

Oblivion: The kids aren’t down with Tom Cruise anymore, but let me tell you why this project is exciting: 1) It’s an original movie, 2) it’s sci-fi, and 3) it comes from Joseph Kosinski, who gave us TRON: Legacy. OK, ignore that last part, and focus on the original sci-fi part. The script comes from William Monahan (The Departed) and that has to be worth something, right? What’s it about? A fantasy about a former solider who is the last person left on Earth after a war with an alien race. When he encounters a crashed spacecraft with a lone survivor, the two set off on an epic adventure. I think the lone survivor is a woman, and they fall in love. As long as it’s not Cameron Diaz, this movie has a shot. Right? It’s one of the many intriguing sci-fi flicks on this list. Will 2013 be the year of the Sci-Fi?

Robopacalypse: Assuming that Steven Spielberg actually follows through on his promise to directRobopacalypse, the film — scripted by Drew Goddard and based on a Daniel H. Wilson novel — holds immense potential. The novel is already a critical favorite, described as an Andromeda Strain for a new century. Comparisons to early Michael Crichton are aplenty. Set the not-too-distant future,Robopacalypse is about robots that have made our lives a lot easier: they help clean our kitchens, drive our cars, and fight our wars — until they are turned into efficient murderers by a sentient artificial intelligence buried miles below the surface of Alaska. What? That sounds batshit. But, robots, murder, and Spielberg! There are hundreds of ways this could go wrong, but just as many reasons it could be one of the many great sci-fi films of 2013.

Oz: The Great and Powerful: The world has been waiting for Hollywood has wanted to make a proper Wizard of Oz movie for years, and there are a number of them in production. This one, however, looks to be the first to get off the ground, and the cast — and a potentially racy story — offer some heady potential. James Franco will star as the young Wizard in this Wizard of Oz prequel (in a role vacated by Robert Downey, Jr.) and it will tell the story of Oz — a fast-talking huckster who wears a velveteen frock coat — and how he falls in love with Glinda (the Good Witch). The two combine forces to Fight the Evil Witches Evanora and Theodora. Mila Kunis will play Theodora, Rachel Weisz will play Evanora, and Michelle Williams is set to play Glinda. That’s a great combination of talent and sex appeal. Even more promising is the fact that this will be Sam Raimi’s first film since Drag Me to Hell.

Monsters University/Untitled Pixar Film/How to Train Your Dragon 2: This is the
Animated Film entry, and it looks to be a stellar year for CGI cartoons. For the first time, Pixar will have two movies in the same year, starting with the prequel to Monsters, Inc. — which will focus on the rocky relationship between Mike and Sulley during their days at the University of Fear — and an as yet Untitled Pixar flick. We don’t know the details of that one, but I’m hoping it’s not another sequel (especially a Toy Story sequel that’s been rumored, although a two year lead time is not really enough time to get a Pixar flick off the ground, at least under the old regime). Additionally, a lot of folks argued that How to Train Your Dragon was the best animated feature of 2010 (better than even Toy Story 3), and you won’t hear complaints from me. Last year’s massive sleeper hit will return in 2013 along with all the principals — writer, director, cast — of the first one.

The Gangster Squad: This will be director Ruben Fleischer’s (Zombieland) follow-up to 30 Minutes or Less, a period movie set in the 40s and 50s that chronicles the LAPD’s fight to keep East Coast Mafia types out of Los Angeles. The flick is based on a super-smart seven-part LA Times article called written by Paul Lieberman, and Gangster Squadwas scripted by former Los Angeles Police Officer Will Beall (a writer on “Castle”). But why is it exciting? Check out the cast: Ryan Gosling, Josh Brolin, Anthony Mackie, and Sean Penn. That’s reason enough to be excited.

The Hobbit: There and Back Again: This is a gimme, the second half of The Hobbit movie that kicks off in 2012 with The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. The great news is that The Hobbit will attract all of those Lord of the Rings fans, as well as the many — like myself — who loved The Hobbit but didn’t care much for the LOTR novels (or the movies). It also has a couple of cast members going for it that the LOTR movies did not, namely Benedict Cumberbatch (Smaugh) and Martin Freeman (Bilbo Baggins). The bad news: There’s a lot of LOTR characters in the movie that don’t belong, and despite the fact that The Hobbit was shorter than any of the LOTR movies, it’s being broken up into two films, which suggests that there may be the potential for a lot of bloat, a problem Peter Jackson had with the LOTR films.

Pacific Rim: Guillermo del Toro is a brilliant director, but the man spends so much time attaching his name to new projects that he never has any time to actually make a movie. He hasn’t had one since Hellboy II in 2008 despite the fact that he’s talked a Van Helsing remake, an At the Mountains of Madness movie, and he wants to direct Angelina Jolie in Maleficent. But for now,Pacific Rim is the only movie he has in actual production. But that’s OK because, by the sound of it, we’re in for one hell of a film. The cast is made of Pajiba dreams: Idris Elba (replacing Tom Cruise) and Charlie Hunnam. The story is set in a future in which malevolent creatures threaten the earth, and it’s about how the planet bands together and uses highly advanced technology to eradicate the growing menace. It has big fucking movie written all over it. We actually haven’t seen del Toro take on a movie this massive a scale, but after Pan’s Labyrinth, I’m willing to trust.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: Captain Nemo: David Fincher (The Social Network, Fight Club) is a director that rarely lets us down (exceptingThe Curious Case of Benjamin Button). He, along Aaron Sorkin, turned a movie about the founding of a social network website into one of the most riveting films of 2010. He’ll end this year with the much anticipated Girl with a Dragon Tattoo film, and he looks next to embark on 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The rabbit in his hat this time may just be Michael Chabon, the Wonderboys and Kavalier and Clay novelist who has been tapped to adapt the script from Jules Verne’s classic novel. The focus will turn on Nemo and how created his underwater vessel, the Nautilus. It is a Disney remake, but I wouldn’t expect a Disney take from David Fincher; I’d expect something closer to a movie that a Trent Reznor score would feel comfortable in.

Elysium: Matt Damon. Jodie Foster. William Fichtner. Sharlto Copley. Oh, you want more? It’s Neill Blomkamp’s follow-up to District 9. What’s it about? I have no fucking idea. And that’s what’s so great about Elysium. Because while there’s already some details out about the nine movies above — which won’t hit theaters for another two years — there’s practically nothing available on Elysium. That’s the way I’d prefer it. Maybe, like District 9, mysterious details will begin to emerge in the middle of July for an early August release. Maybe we can actually go into a theater without having every detail spoiled, without having every scene released in trailers and clips, without having movie blogs — like this one — examining every bit of minutia before it screens. It’s a lot to ask and completely unrealistic, but wouldn’t it be great if assholes like myself didn’t jump all over the hype bandwagon two years too early?